eternal wondering

this'll probably be a short one. since i dunno what i'm really writing. i had an idea of what to write this afternoon but i'm not sure i'm gonna remember it. well lets find out.


well i know my posts usually center on venting of some sort, dont really think this is one of them, more like an introspective airing. the eternal quest for finding love draws on. i think i've kinda resolved myself to the 'it'll happen when it happens' type thing. i dont really see the active persuance working out. and it makes me feel 'odd' odd as in uncomfortable. i dont really like to be the one persuing. and i recently got off of a relationship where i was more than actively persued. i dont like feeling like a prize trophy after a hunt. and i dont like feeling like a hunter. for some reason it doesnt seem real natural. to me a relationship, a truly good one happens either all of a sudden or over time between friends. its something that blossoms, and cant be forced to blossom. yeah sure i know relationships take work, but i think that the start of them happens with a spark. and usually unintended.

its odd as i settle into the comfort of knowing that love will find me when it wants to, i keep getting the sense that my mom wants me to find it more and more. and i even have suspected she's tryin to point me in a specific direction. then again i tend to read into things so i'm never sure. but she's made some comments that caused me to cock my head. for instance once after the last relationship she was talkin bout age differences and then said something to the effect of "you need someone whose like 28" pretty specific age....happens to be the age of someone at church. then last sunday, i finally heard something i never thought i'd hear..... "i'm never gonna have grandkids" i was literally speechless. thinkin "wha?!" where'd that come from? then same church service, we go down to the alter (all the women mothers day stuff) and she looks at a woman named Lolita, (the mother of same said guy) and goes "she doesnt have grandkids either" or something along those lines. lol i almost laughed. i didnt even think mom woulda approved of this guy, (he's half white) and now this? i mean is this some kind of subtle hint? cuz it suuuuuure felt like one. which is cool because he's cute, and an awesome guy and i thought about askin him out before this last relationship. anyways i think thats all for tonight.

different people

i suppose the world takes all kinds of people, but why must some irritate and have no sense of others around them. or do and just dont care? recently i had to deal with one of the ones that just plan dont care about hurting other people. and for the life of me i cant understand that kind of mentality. the mindset where someone intentionally spreads rumors, where they know it'll hurt someone and they do it for that sole purpose. where they actually want to inflict emotional pain. and then make themselves out to be the victim?! its such a load of crap that it rubs against every justice minded thinker. to think that its ok to inflict pain, to plot and to seek out ways to hurt someone else all because at some point they 'felt' offended by something. and its usually by something thats so absurdly useless that it has no bearing on REAL life whatsoever.

the eye for an eye mentality is what will eventually make the whole world blind. and its time people stopped being so childish and finally acted like the adults that they legally are. and yes i have little to no patience with people who think they can bully other people around, who issue threats and think it makes them endearing and solidifies their 'cause' what kind of warped logic is that? the kind of an insecure child who wants attention and feels the need to play the victim. well sorry if this is blunt but thats CRAP. and i cant tolerate it. i did for a while but i cant anymore. the stupid insipid ramblings and chatter from the insecure and self-absorbed hold no water anymore. they are simply that....a means for attention and yes a pathetic means of getting attention. to think that you are so important to warrant the pain of others is beyond my comprehension. and gets no pity from me. i forgive the past and wrongs done to me. but forgiving and ignoring are different things. i wont hold past wrongs over someone but i also will not blind myself to their continued behavior. forgive forget but ever aware.


these kinds of people dont care about how what they do effects other peoples lives. they dont care that they destroy trust. because they refuse to deal with the aftermath. fine by me. i'll happily clean things up, and then prevent it from happening again. because if theres one thing i would loathe to become, is one of them. and i'll do whatever it takes to ensure that never happens. unlike them i care about how people are effected. i care about the brokenness and the fragility left in the wake. i've seen people devastated, i've seen people broken by others, and i cant fathom doing that to someone else. to destroy a person is work, and you know and can see it happening all the way along. and whover finds joy in something like that.....well their no friend of mine. i have come close before i knew what buttons to push, what to say to make someone fold and give in, and i stopped myself the moment i knew i could. because it felt horrible. utterly horrible. and to think that someone likes that? *shudders* my mom has talked about breaking children, how its a delicate balance between discipline and destruction. and i've seen the line i've seen other people use it. and its sickening.


theres nothing more important than the next persons individuality, and their personal self worth. and i hate to see it ripped apart piece by piece. its wrong on every level. yes some of you know what i'm talking about. and know that i've held this in for quite a while. and i'm happy to say that after the past week or so, its so much lighter. theres no hovering cloud, and i feel no anger or pain or lingering fear. because the teeth have been ripped out of the problem for me, my view has changed and i see now empty threats and a lot of hot air. wow this got long. i blame barak for that.