moving on, forward...whatever

ok, well that last post was rather depressing. but i needed to get it out. ok. as you can tell from this title. i'm moving on. recent events have taught me something and made me come to a realization i didnt think i needed. and although it came with some pain. i'm grateful for it. and am looking forward actually. lemme explain. for the longest while when it came to my romantic life, well lets just say its been non-existant. and just recently i realized why. i hadn't really thought myself capable of truly loving like i had in the past, i slowly began to believe that for some reason or another i either didnt need someone or i would never have what i had before, so whats the real use in looking? i hadnt even realized how it had worn me down how i had come to view this all. or why things havent worked or i havent felt the need to pursue something strong enough. until just this week i hadn't known exactly how much i had given up


thinking i wouldnt find the same kind of feelings for someone else like i did five/six years ago. perhaps even that i didnt either need or deserve someone to love me like that again. now though....last night, i see things differently. i know different. i've seen and coem to realize that there is someone out there for me, that i can feel again. i can see the path. well the beginning of it anyways. nearly since the fifth grade i KNEW what i was supposed to do in my life with regards to a career. i had never really struggled to find out what i was meant to do in that area. but i have neclected the rest of my life, my personal life. i've never seen that path, never really sought it, well havent sought it truly for nearly six years. not knowing what its like to not know what to do, i wasnt used to it and didnt want to deal with it. sometimes a push is needed. and consider me pushed. and i'm thankful for it. i'm motivated, i want this, i feel almost emboldened to go for it.

yeah we learn our finest lessons the hard way, but with pain comes strength. so heres to new paths, new goals and seeing things for the first time, and praying for the continued strength to keep at it. i've partially resolved to do something this weekend, lets hope this courage stays.

love comes easily.......spent

ugh. man am i emotionally spent. and oh so frustrated. my mind has been all over the place this past weekend. and one thing, well maybe more than one, hit me today. i guess it's time was overdue. i've ignored the issue for so long. but i tend to do that, then something happens that forces my attention to it. forces me to face my emotions, forces me to deal with what i dont want to. i dont pay much attention to my lonliness often. i dont like to. no duh. who does. but occasionally......very rarely it hits me. and doubts hit me. doubts about romance. and love. i've gone so long without someone, without being close to someone. since the last relationship, i've avoided it for awhile this i know. but once it hits, when i actually feel again, i'm faced with some of the same realizations. that it isn't meant to work. that once again i find myself turning my back on it. its the right thing to do i know. it was the last time too.


but today i was thinking about that. and i realized, just how tired i am. am i forever destined to have to face this with each heartfelt feeling? will i always have to turn away and leave my feelings behind? yeah its what needs to be done. i understand that. but why is it the pattern for my life. i've always believed that theres one person for everyone, that you may love many but theres one your meant to spend your life with. today, i seriously doubted that for me. am i meant to live a single life forever? and if i'm goin through these experiences in preperation for something to come, do i reaaally want to face it? or is it a way of letting me know what love feels like? so that when it comes i'll know. but i fear that by then i'll be hardened even more. for fear of it turning out like the rest. i've been called frigid already in my life. and i know how things can mold me. it took far too long last time before i even wanted to think about dating someone.

yeah these things strengthen me. but just how much strengthening do i need? and when will the day come when i dont have to be strong? when theres someone there being strong for me? i'm glad i have the strength i do, i thank God for it. but, it tires. it fades. it's.....wearing. i've always been the one people lean on. thats awesome. but i long for the day when i have a husband to lean against. who will hold me and be my strength. i've tasted how it could be, i've felt that kind of love. and i ache for it. i ache for the one great love of my life. i need it desperately. i stay strong for my own benefit, but its cracking. each day that passes and no hope on the horizon. the strength is cracking. God is with me, i know and feel that. but, honestly, i need what i know my heart wants. things get to be nearly depressing, i've seen my friends get married. seen couples meet. rediscover eachother. and then i look beside me, and no ones there. no ones there to hold my hand. to bring my close. to make me strong. to fill this gap in my heart.

where's my other half? does one even exist? oh God please, just tell me. please tell me...