eternal wondering

this'll probably be a short one. since i dunno what i'm really writing. i had an idea of what to write this afternoon but i'm not sure i'm gonna remember it. well lets find out.


well i know my posts usually center on venting of some sort, dont really think this is one of them, more like an introspective airing. the eternal quest for finding love draws on. i think i've kinda resolved myself to the 'it'll happen when it happens' type thing. i dont really see the active persuance working out. and it makes me feel 'odd' odd as in uncomfortable. i dont really like to be the one persuing. and i recently got off of a relationship where i was more than actively persued. i dont like feeling like a prize trophy after a hunt. and i dont like feeling like a hunter. for some reason it doesnt seem real natural. to me a relationship, a truly good one happens either all of a sudden or over time between friends. its something that blossoms, and cant be forced to blossom. yeah sure i know relationships take work, but i think that the start of them happens with a spark. and usually unintended.

its odd as i settle into the comfort of knowing that love will find me when it wants to, i keep getting the sense that my mom wants me to find it more and more. and i even have suspected she's tryin to point me in a specific direction. then again i tend to read into things so i'm never sure. but she's made some comments that caused me to cock my head. for instance once after the last relationship she was talkin bout age differences and then said something to the effect of "you need someone whose like 28" pretty specific age....happens to be the age of someone at church. then last sunday, i finally heard something i never thought i'd hear..... "i'm never gonna have grandkids" i was literally speechless. thinkin "wha?!" where'd that come from? then same church service, we go down to the alter (all the women mothers day stuff) and she looks at a woman named Lolita, (the mother of same said guy) and goes "she doesnt have grandkids either" or something along those lines. lol i almost laughed. i didnt even think mom woulda approved of this guy, (he's half white) and now this? i mean is this some kind of subtle hint? cuz it suuuuuure felt like one. which is cool because he's cute, and an awesome guy and i thought about askin him out before this last relationship. anyways i think thats all for tonight.

different people

i suppose the world takes all kinds of people, but why must some irritate and have no sense of others around them. or do and just dont care? recently i had to deal with one of the ones that just plan dont care about hurting other people. and for the life of me i cant understand that kind of mentality. the mindset where someone intentionally spreads rumors, where they know it'll hurt someone and they do it for that sole purpose. where they actually want to inflict emotional pain. and then make themselves out to be the victim?! its such a load of crap that it rubs against every justice minded thinker. to think that its ok to inflict pain, to plot and to seek out ways to hurt someone else all because at some point they 'felt' offended by something. and its usually by something thats so absurdly useless that it has no bearing on REAL life whatsoever.

the eye for an eye mentality is what will eventually make the whole world blind. and its time people stopped being so childish and finally acted like the adults that they legally are. and yes i have little to no patience with people who think they can bully other people around, who issue threats and think it makes them endearing and solidifies their 'cause' what kind of warped logic is that? the kind of an insecure child who wants attention and feels the need to play the victim. well sorry if this is blunt but thats CRAP. and i cant tolerate it. i did for a while but i cant anymore. the stupid insipid ramblings and chatter from the insecure and self-absorbed hold no water anymore. they are simply that....a means for attention and yes a pathetic means of getting attention. to think that you are so important to warrant the pain of others is beyond my comprehension. and gets no pity from me. i forgive the past and wrongs done to me. but forgiving and ignoring are different things. i wont hold past wrongs over someone but i also will not blind myself to their continued behavior. forgive forget but ever aware.


these kinds of people dont care about how what they do effects other peoples lives. they dont care that they destroy trust. because they refuse to deal with the aftermath. fine by me. i'll happily clean things up, and then prevent it from happening again. because if theres one thing i would loathe to become, is one of them. and i'll do whatever it takes to ensure that never happens. unlike them i care about how people are effected. i care about the brokenness and the fragility left in the wake. i've seen people devastated, i've seen people broken by others, and i cant fathom doing that to someone else. to destroy a person is work, and you know and can see it happening all the way along. and whover finds joy in something like that.....well their no friend of mine. i have come close before i knew what buttons to push, what to say to make someone fold and give in, and i stopped myself the moment i knew i could. because it felt horrible. utterly horrible. and to think that someone likes that? *shudders* my mom has talked about breaking children, how its a delicate balance between discipline and destruction. and i've seen the line i've seen other people use it. and its sickening.


theres nothing more important than the next persons individuality, and their personal self worth. and i hate to see it ripped apart piece by piece. its wrong on every level. yes some of you know what i'm talking about. and know that i've held this in for quite a while. and i'm happy to say that after the past week or so, its so much lighter. theres no hovering cloud, and i feel no anger or pain or lingering fear. because the teeth have been ripped out of the problem for me, my view has changed and i see now empty threats and a lot of hot air. wow this got long. i blame barak for that.

*sighs*

waking up SUCKS. i'm just saying. but people really need a button or something to push that would instantly wake us up. that would make life sooooo much easier. SOOOO much easier. as it is it takes me like 2 hours before i can call myself awake. and no i'm not yet awake.

hmmmm what to post what to post....i have noooooo idea......well that should make this interesting then. argh well thats annoying. stupid 'spamming is not allowed' i AINT SPAMMIN! i'm posssssssting..ugh how can i even with my connection?! arggghhh


well church was good yesterday. had the teen challenge choir over. always interesting when they come. to hear how God has and is saving them from their addictions. but i'll be glad when pastor speaks again. its kinda a bummer when we have guests. you get sooo much out of his messeges. ........ok i'm really bored now.



borrred booored booored bored bored.......



and waiting sucks. in general it sucks. i know everything is in God's timing. but waiting still sucks. it makes your mind overactive.

boredom mixed with curiousity

ok yes i am super uberly bored. and thats why i'm typing here. ok ever wonder....if you've been in this position or could be that is........how far you can up a price on a commission before someone looks at it and says "eww no your not worth that much" ? my prices are pretty low, mainly because i never know what to charge so i just throw out a low number. and thats because i dont know how much someone would be willing to pay for something of mine. and i dont wanna toss out a higher number thinkin that they'll feel gouged. i just upped my price by 20 bucks and no ones complained yet. of course its only 30 bucks. but this is all the money i get, so i wonder how much i could charge. there are some things i'd like to get, and some things i need done, and would like to pay for it myself. ugh i dunno this is turnin into a ramble. and i suppose this question is mostly rhetorical. but i kinda wanna know. ya know?

arrrrrgggh

ok maybe not ........but then again maybe it is. its up to you to think about it. but this has been on my mind recently. and i know its been on some others as well. but i'm fed up with it. i'm tired and i need to voice it. because its just not right. people are so scared of religion and faith that they go to any lengths to shut someone who might merely mention God up. and its not fair. why should my voice be restricted because i mention God in a secular world?


this stems from a particular experience recently. i play in an rpg, on a secular board. and on that same board i have a Christian thread, well APPARENTLY i'm not allowed to mention God anywhere else than in that one thread. my character in the rpg brought God up, and said that it was painful to be apart. i didnt say whose god and its not the same god. but oh no.....i got jumped on because of it. told to 'tone it down' 'cut it out' and yet, pagan gods, ceremonies, angels and demons are mentioned in the very same rpg without a single word! and yet i have to keep quiet and it out of the character development? why?! because i'm openly Christian?! yeah that makes sense. you believe something so therefore you have to shut it up. because i read something into it and felt 'uncomfortable'. how is that even right?! i was told that that stuff should be kept on sundays and sundays alone. or in the Christian topic alone. what.....no ones heard of freedom of speech? or is it only free when it doesnt involve God? because that seems to be the case.



why must we be relegated to the back? why do we have to keep our mouths shut about what we believe because someone might be offended? well they offend me! but i cant dare say that. oh no. then i'd be labeled extreme, or backwoods. or stubborn. well i'm sorry if i believe what i do and want people to see that i do. i'm sorry if they felt maddened because i happen to mention God and be a Christian all at the same time........oh wait.......no i'm not. its my faith its my right its MY voice. i dont hamper them, i dont tell them to keep whatever they believe on a shelf. i dont restrict them. and yet i'm supposed to sit back and take it? because if i speak up, if i speak outside the box assigned to me, i'm an outcast. i'm pushing my faith on someone. i'm badgering them. would they have said anything if i wasnt an open Christian? the cold answer is..........no. they wouldnt. they never said anything to anyone else about a representation of faith in the game. they admitted to not even having thought about it. but the moment i say something. bam. tone it down. cut it out.


i'm not mad i understand the thinking behind it. but what i am is fed up. fed up with the double standard, tired of being oppressed because it 'might' rub the wrong way. other people dont care if their beliefs offend me. and yet, i sit quietly by, and object only slightly. no. its wrong. its just wrong. i have to keep my thoughts and views in check while the rest of the world runs rampant. if my faith tells me to speak I WILL SPEAK. if my faith tells me to be proud of it I WILL BE PROUD. if i'm told to let my light shine IT WILL SHINE. no i wont force my faith on someone. i never have. never forced them to believe or even listen. and yet thats what i get accused of. never forced them to read into it what they did. it was their choice. and i have to pay the price. tell me..........is that right? no.


why must Christians be force into silence? why do we allow it? why hide what we are?




i'm tired, i'm frustrated and i'm not happy with myself for allowing them to walk over me. and quiet my voice

looong time no posty

hehe seems to be par for the course for me. muhahaah. yes its a combo of laziness and not really having much to say. and i dont realllllllly have much to say this time either but i've been bugged by someone who shall remain nameless. *coughreddcough*


ok well, our new pastor has been in place for about two months and i must say i'm loving it. theres an energy and feeling that hasnt been in church for soooooo long. its amazing, can't wait for each service. more people are coming, its awesome. you can tell he has a passion for the Word and the south bay area. and he wont mince words which one might think would offend people but it doesnt, it just makes us want more. God's really working there and its almost tangible. a feeling that you cant really put into words but just want to share with everyone else. so i am. :P things there just seem to have a new life, and many things are takin shape that should have long ago. things are changing, people arent focused on who someone else is but rather you can tell its one big family. everyone working together, no overshadowing problems or anything.


and my mentor/friend has picked up the pace with training mr for teaching........and leading. and i think that leading bit scares me more than standin in front on high schoolers and teachin them. i mean i want to, i know i can but the idea that it might happen i dunno... i guess its humbling, frightening and cool all at the same time. looking over a possible curriculem for the program now, then its onto writing up a real proposal. she talked about my ideas with the pastor and said he was very interested. so heres to keepin the C.A's in prayer. we'll see what happens

moving on, forward...whatever

ok, well that last post was rather depressing. but i needed to get it out. ok. as you can tell from this title. i'm moving on. recent events have taught me something and made me come to a realization i didnt think i needed. and although it came with some pain. i'm grateful for it. and am looking forward actually. lemme explain. for the longest while when it came to my romantic life, well lets just say its been non-existant. and just recently i realized why. i hadn't really thought myself capable of truly loving like i had in the past, i slowly began to believe that for some reason or another i either didnt need someone or i would never have what i had before, so whats the real use in looking? i hadnt even realized how it had worn me down how i had come to view this all. or why things havent worked or i havent felt the need to pursue something strong enough. until just this week i hadn't known exactly how much i had given up


thinking i wouldnt find the same kind of feelings for someone else like i did five/six years ago. perhaps even that i didnt either need or deserve someone to love me like that again. now though....last night, i see things differently. i know different. i've seen and coem to realize that there is someone out there for me, that i can feel again. i can see the path. well the beginning of it anyways. nearly since the fifth grade i KNEW what i was supposed to do in my life with regards to a career. i had never really struggled to find out what i was meant to do in that area. but i have neclected the rest of my life, my personal life. i've never seen that path, never really sought it, well havent sought it truly for nearly six years. not knowing what its like to not know what to do, i wasnt used to it and didnt want to deal with it. sometimes a push is needed. and consider me pushed. and i'm thankful for it. i'm motivated, i want this, i feel almost emboldened to go for it.

yeah we learn our finest lessons the hard way, but with pain comes strength. so heres to new paths, new goals and seeing things for the first time, and praying for the continued strength to keep at it. i've partially resolved to do something this weekend, lets hope this courage stays.